2014. december 28., vasárnap
using DropzoneJS
links:https://github.com/enyo/dropzone/wiki/FAQhttp://stackoverflow.com/questions/17872417/integrating- ... http://p.ost.im/jgeQCk
2014. december 23., kedd
DropzoneJS and Laravel
Implementing DropzoneJS with Laravel 4: http://chrisbeaver.com/2014/09/using-dropzonejs-laravel-4/ Dropzone.j ... http://p.ost.im/jbcnYu
Közterület-használati díj
utcazenélés163Ft/m2/napKözterület-használati díj - a 3/2013. (III. 8.) Főv. Kgy. rendelet 2. mel ... http://p.ost.im/ju9sea
2014. december 22., hétfő
Add remove section of elements - Snippet on JSFiddle
Add remove section of elements - Snippet on JSFiddlesource: http://jsfiddle.net/webeswork/cjf0j9zm/6/jQue ... http://p.ost.im/jbEmmp
2014. december 20., szombat
Display all SQL executed in Eloquent
Put this in your routes.php file and you will see the SQL that Eloquent is executing when you go to pages that ha ... http://p.ost.im/jqXrY7
Laravel Eloquent ORM and Query Builder
Using Query Builder is easy way and complicated writing.I had thought that I couldn't use Eloquent ORM for co ... http://p.ost.im/jQsj5K
Laravel relationships
Visualizing Laravel relationships : http://matthewhailwood.co.nz/visualizing-laravel-relationships/ ... http://p.ost.im/jx3j4j
2014. december 19., péntek
You have everything
You have everything.You need nothing.NOTHING reminds you to enjoyeverything you already have.site: ... http://p.ost.im/jVemej
2014. december 18., csütörtök
Nobodys Fault
"It's Nobodys Fault but Mine": Blind Willie Johnson (1927). Covered by JJ Appleton, Tim Lefebvre (Bass) from the ... http://p.ost.im/ja7ABj
2014. december 16., kedd
Laravel Shop tutorial
The first tutorial in “Building a shop” series is going to be a practical example of implementing a rating/re ... http://p.ost.im/j9TErj
PHP Static vs Non-static methods, Laravel
Why use static method in PHP's laravel model class? http://stackoverflow.com/questions/24879567/why-use-static-me ... http://p.ost.im/juqjK6
2014. december 15., hétfő
2014. december 14., vasárnap
Great Digital Products Don’t Happen By Accident.
The right team — Multi-disciplinary, constrained in size, experienced, mutual learning mindset, given focus ... http://p.ost.im/jaWfcf
2014. december 12., péntek
Sending mail with Laravel
PostfixIf you use Postfix on your server you have to change config mail.php// 'driver' = 'smtp','dr ... http://p.ost.im/j9PS5k
2014. december 11., csütörtök
Beauty Flash messages in Laravel
If you need easy, beauty Flash message box in Laravel you have to use this packegelink: https://github.com/la ... http://p.ost.im/jCeSnb
2014. december 9., kedd
Mennyit keres egy programozó Magyarországon?
Idézet: Mivel a kutatásunk kitöltőinek jelentős része webre fejleszt, nem meglepő, hogy a használt progra ... http://p.ost.im/jusKqc
2014. december 8., hétfő
Laravel project installation
I got this error: "Mcrypt PHP extension required. "Solution:$: sudo php5enmod mcrypt$: sudo /etc/ini ... http://p.ost.im/jkmmJ9
2014. december 7., vasárnap
No Future - Nincs jövő - 2030-ra az emberiség lehúzhatja a rolót
Ha a jelenlegi, tékozló „fejlődést” produkálja a világ, akkor nagyjából 17 év múlva az emberiség ... http://p.ost.im/jNDnAN
Kotta tanulás tip
hangok megjegyzése:Violinkulcs, G-kulcs rajzolása a 2. vonalon kezdődik: 2. vonalon a G.Első vonal: ... http://p.ost.im/jkQxye
Advanced Routing and Filters in Laravel
I think you are interested in more than Basic Routing, let's go deeper into routing concept in Laravel framework. ... http://p.ost.im/jyuUAk
2014. december 5., péntek
Wordpress login wp-admin protect with .htaccess
1: create a .htaccess fileFiles ~ "^\.ht"Order allow,denyDeny from all/Files# Protect wp-loginFil ... http://p.ost.im/jrVmKL
Garage Store Webshop with Zend Framework 2 [download]
Source on Github:http://blogbook.hu/zf2_webshop/public/webshopDemo:http://blogbook.hu/zf2_webshop/pub ... http://p.ost.im/jA6C3b
PHP redirect - If Wordpress blog was moved to new place
The Google indexed old site, so put this PHP script into old folder:?> $value) {$foopart .= $key."=".$valu ... http://p.ost.im/jUpr7v
2014. december 4., csütörtök
Wordpress > Add Plugins : Failed to connect to FTP Server
I got this error: Failed to connect to FTP ServerI had to change setting on my server.I opened console pane ... http://p.ost.im/jf3tfn
2014. december 2., kedd
2014. december 1., hétfő
Laravel package: Laravel Administrator: FrozenNode/Laravel-Administrator
How to Install and Use Laravel Administrator Part 1http://polcpp.github.io/blog/2014/06/12/how-to-install-and ... http://p.ost.im/jhTkpC
Pribojszki Mátyás - chromatic harmonica
chromatic harmonica solo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pXNhPnrM24t=10m13s ... http://p.ost.im/jhth6m
2014. november 30., vasárnap
Laravel 4 on Shared Host
Place the files of the Laravel public folder i.e. css, img, js etc; into public_html folder.Put all the remai ... http://p.ost.im/jhVCLf
2014. november 29., szombat
Johnny Winter - Death Letter
I got a letter this mornin, how do you reckon it read?It said, "Hurry, hurry, yeah, your love is dead"I got a ... http://p.ost.im/jkLnhQ
2014. november 12., szerda
It's so sweet that curtains spend all day as far apart as possible..
but then get back together at night because they're scared of the dark.
A man goes to a priest to confess...
The priest says "What troubles your mind my child?"The man says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."The priest replies "No worries child, the Lord forgives all as long as you confess and repent."The man confesses "Last week I stole money from my friend."The priest replies "Why would you do such a thing to your friend?"The man quickly answers "Who gives a fuck."The man then says "Also, couple of days ago I sexually assaulted a woman on the street."The priest replies "Why would you do such a vile thing?"The man quickly replies "Who gives a fuck."The man continues to say "And yesterday I got really angry at my wife and almost beat her to death."The priest replies "Why in the world would you do such a thing?"The man quickly replies "Who gives a fuck."After a moment of silence the priest says "Climb to the top of a tall building and jump down."The surprised man says "But Father I might die."The priest quickly replies "Who gives a fuck."
Couple police jokes
1) A hole has opened up on the motorway, the police are looking into it.2) Someone has stolen the toilets at the police station, the police have nothing to go on.3) A lorry carrying hair gel has tipped under suspicious cirumstances, over scattering it's content all over the road. The police are combing the area.
One in a million. (from /r/TheDidTheMath)
"My dad just told my Mom that she's one in a million. That means there is 6 people like her in Wisconsin, 312 in the US, and 6,973 on Earth. That's a lot of people that are really bad at making meatloaf and always buys the wrong kind of cereal. God save us all."
A Dirty Limerick
There once was a woman from Cue, Who filled her vagina with glue, She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it, too."
My wife and I haven't stopped fighting since the furnace broke
Well, at least the arguments are getting heated
Little Mary
Little Mary is walking in the park, hand-in-hand with her mother. All of a sudden, Mary points out two teens doin' it like on the Discovery Channel on a bench, pages flying off some notebooks, y'know the drill, studying got a bit hard. Mary asks:"Mommy, what are they doing?"Panicked, her mother answers: "Cream puffs, they're making cream puffs!" and hurried Little Mary back home.The second day, the mother took Mary to the zoo, to see all the caged wildlife! At the monkey cage, two of 'em started doing it, as nature wants. Some yells, some banana peels, children were glaring at the two primates. Mary asks:"Mommy, what are the lil' monkeys doing?"Again, her mother answers: "Cream puffs, they're making cream puffs!" and took her home right-away.In the evening, sometime after dinner, lil' ol' Mary asks:"Mommy, is it true that you and daddy made cream puffs?"The mother was shocked, Mary understood what happened the past days, and muttered: "How did you know?""I licked the cream off the couch!"
A Muslim and a Catholic priest walk into a bar.
The two start talking casually about their respective religions. The Muslim says, "I believe that when I die, Allah will bless me with 72 virgins."The priest's eyes get wide. "Really? That would be awesome, but unfortunately the church can only have 3 alter boys at a time."
Three men die
Three men die and go to heaven, and appear before the pearl gate only to find that it is blocked by St. Peter. He explains that heaven is overpopulated and only the ones who have led a terrible death is granted access.St. Peter looks at the first of the dead men and asks how he died. The man starts off: "I live on the 10th floor. One day when I got home from work I found my wife naked in bed. I took this as a sign of her cheating on me, and she confessed to it after I asked her. However, she didn't want to tell me where he had hid, so I started to search the apartment. Once I went outside to check the balcony I saw a man hanging by the railing. I got so mad I started beating his hands with my bare hands, however the man wouldn't let go. I went inside to fetch a hammer and when he saw it, he let go on his own accord. Unfortunately he landed in a bush and survived, so I threw my fridge on him, which killed him. Then I died from a heart attack from killing another man." St. Peter simply nods and turns towards the second manThe second of the deceased starts talking. "OK, I live on the 11th floor and when I got home from work I decided to head out on my balcony to enjoy a smoke. But, when I light it up I loose my lighter over the edge, I try to grab it and end up falling over the railing. In a stroke of luck I manage to grab the railing one floor below my own balcony. Suddenly a man comes out and starts beating my hands. However, I manage to hold onto the railing. Then he fetches a hammer and I decide to just let go. This apparently being my lucky day, I land in a bush and survive with minor injuries, but that's also where my luck ran out, because he threw his fridge at me and I died."St. Peter, looked to the third man. "OK, here's the deal" he said. "Imagine sitting naked inside a refrigerator."
It's a convict's first day in prison and his cellmate says,"do you want to be the husband or the wife?"
"What?!" said the convict. So his cellmate says again, "do you want to be the husband or the wife?" He says, "I'll be the husband." So his cellmate says, "then get over here and suck your wife's dick."
A new prisoner meets Elsa in his new cell...
A new prisoner meets Elsa in a cell in the prison. He asks her: "Why are you here?" And Elsa answers: "Because they don't let me go."
It's a lot of fun to tell this one if you've been drinking, but it's not easy.
So there's this fly hovering 12 inches above the water.And there's this fish whose looking at this fly, thinking "If that fly drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get that fly."But there's this bear looking at this fish, whose looking at the fly, thinking, "If that fly drops 6 inches, that fish will get that fly and I can get that fish."But there's this hunter looking at the bear whose looking at the fish whose looking at this fly, thinking "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish and I'll get that bear."Pause for a drinkBut there's this mouse whose looking at the hunter whose looking at the bear whose looking at the fish whose looking at the fly, thinking "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear and I'll nab that hunters sandwich."But there's this cat whose looking at the mouse whose looking at the hunter whose looking at the bear whose looking at the fish whose looking at the fly, thinking "If that fly drops 6 inches the fish will get the fly, the bear will get the fish the hunter will get the bear the mouse will get the sandwich and I'll get that mouse."...All of a sudden the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up, gets the fly. Bear runs out, gets the fish. Hunter shoots the bear, runs out to it. Mouse goes for the sandwich. And the cat pounces for the mouse, over shoots it's target and lands directly into the stream.Do you know the moral of the story?Every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet.
RAJU////////Turkey vs Brazil..Live Stream.FNS..Online.November ExTra ((2014))
Turkey vs Brazil..Live Stream.FNS..Online.November ExTra. Brazil vs Turkey live Game Video, Brazil vs Turkey live streaming TV,Brazil vs Turkey live Coverage, Brazil vs Turkey live free online, Brazil vs Turkey live Streaming Football , Brazil vs Turkey live video coverage,telecast, Brazil vs Turkey live Sop cast, Brazil vs Turkey live Webcast, Brazil vs Turkey live hd video,enjoy Brazil vs Turkey live hd video, @@@ don't miss Brazil vs Turkey live, Brazil vs Turkey live online hd, live sports online, stream coverage, stream direct tv, new hd tv, all sports tv, Watch Brazil vs Turkey live 2014 Streaming Online. Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs BrazilLive Turkey vs Brazil,Turkey vs Brazil stream,Turkey vs Brazil Online.SAO PAULO — Despite being only 22 years old, @@@@@@@Neymar has already done enough to be ranked among Brazil's greatest players of all time.If he can keep it up, not even the great Pele may be standing in front of him when the youngster hangs up his boots.Brazil's most promising player in decades is living up to expectations and has set himself on a path to greatness. @@@@@@@ He is enchanting with his brilliance and putting up numbers that few others have achieved at his age.He is already Brazil's fifth-greatest scorer with 40 goals with the national team, and is well on pace to surpass Pele's record of 77 as the nation's most prolific scorer.If Neymar keeps scoring like this, @@@@@@@ he may break Pele's record before he turns 28, in 2020. Pele was only two months older than Neymar when he netted his 40th goal. Only Pele and Romario have a better goal average than Neymar with the national team."I am very happy and proud of the progress of Neymar since he moved to play in Europe," Pele told The Associated Press in an email. "This season, he keeps proving that he's one of the best players in the world. His growth as a player is fantastic and very beneficial for the Selecao." Benfica attacking midfielder Anderson Talisca has replaced PSG's Lucas Moura after he picked up a slight knock, but this still looks a strong Brazil line-up.Neymar scored all four goals as the Selecao beat the Samurai Blue last time out, @@@@@@@ while Oscar will be in especially good spirits this week after just signing a new five-year contract with his club side.Luiz Adriano will also attract plenty of attention following his exploits for Shakhtar Donetsk in the Champions League this term, including scoring eight goals in two games versus BATE Borisov.On Brazil's recent resurgence, former coach Carlos Alberto Parreira said: "Dunga's main task was to recover confidence and respect for Brazilian football. I thought it would take a little longer and I don't think we're quite there yet, but it's four matches and four wins, one over Argentina. He's been doing a good job."Turkey, meanwhile, have been struggling in their Euro 2016 qualifying pool, @@@@@@@ picking up just one point from their first three matches, losing to Iceland and the Czech Republic before drawing with Latvia.With the hosts having one eye on Sunday's Group A tie with Kazakhstan here, Neymar and Co will be expected to take advantage and claim victory.
What do you call a dark skinned prostitute with braces?
Black and Decker pecker wrecker.I'll show myself out.
New-age alcohol test
A driver gets stopped by a cop.Cop: "I'm gonna have to give you an alcohol test, but I forgot to bring the piss testers, so we'll just try something different."Driver: "Fine by me."Cop: "Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing one headlight coming your way. What is that?"Driver: "Well, it's probably a motorcycle."Cop: "Be more specific! What sort of motorcycle? Is it a Harley, a Honda, a Yamaha..."Driver: "How would I know?"Cop: "Aha! You're looking pretty drunk to me. Let's be sure. You're driving at night and you're seeing two headlights coming your way. What is that?"Driver: "It's a car!"Cop: "Yes, but what kind? Is it a Chevy, a Nissan, a BMW..."Driver: "How the fuck would I know!? I think you're drunk! Let me give you that test. Imagine you're driving at night and you're seeing a half-naked woman standing by the roadside. What is that?"Cop: "Well, it's probably a hooker."Driver: "Yes, but which one? Your wife, your mother, your daughter..."
A brunette and a blonde are stranded on an island.
Suddenly, a magical genie appears to them. He says, "You girls have stumbled upon an unfortunate fate. Therefore, I will grant you each one wish."The brunette says, "I wish I were home with my family!""So it is done," the genie says, and the girl is poofed home.The blonde looks over to where her friend had just been standing and says, "Aw man, I wish she hadn't left me here."
Whats the best part of having sex with a transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
Dirty Limerick Contest
A radio station decided to hold this limerick contest for who could come up with the dirtiest limerick and they were going to have the winner read the limerick out loud. Top prize was $10,000. Finally, they got the winner of this filthy limerick. Turns out it was this nun in Ireland who had written the limerick. So, they went out to Ireland to find her at her convent. They said, "You've won the contest... You're going to have to read it out loud."She said, "Oh, no...I couldn't possibly read it!"They're, like, "Well, we really need you to, or we can't give you the prize"She says, "Oh, no! I couldn't! But I wanted the money for the poor children's orphanage!"They say, "Why don't you just omit the dirty parts and read the clean parts?"She says, "OK. That I can do!"So, she gets up there... "D-dee D-dee D-dee. D-dee D-dee D-dee. D-dee D-dee. D-dee. D-dee... and they fucked in a river of shit."
Not sure if this old Leroy/Ruby joke is racist or not ... what do you think?
Leroy comes home late Friday night after spending a few hours at his usual watering-hole, and Ruby starts giving him the usual business about him going there and spending down his paycheck.So Leroy takes a thick roll of notes out of his pocket and says "Well what do you think of this, woman?"And Ruby said "Where'd you get that - are you selling dope now?"And Leroy says "No they had a pool at the bar about whose cock was longest, and this guy thought he had a lock on the money because his was as long as a barstool is across, but then I showed them mine was as long as the bar is wide and I got the money.So Ruby says "Well I always thought you were low class trash, and you sure just proved it, exposing yourself like that "And Leroy says "Oh come on Ruby, cut me a break! I only took out enough to win!"
Bear walks into a bar...
Stop me if you've heard this one.A bear walks into a bar, the bartender says "We don't serve bears at this bar, get out!"To which the bear replies "Look, I just want a drink.""No, we don't serve bears here, you gotta leave." says the bartender."If you don't serve me I'm going to flip that table over." Says the bear with his anger rising."You can make threats all you want but the fact is we don't serve bears at this bar."So the bear proceeds to growl his growley growl and gnash his terrible teeth and flips the table over with such force that if flies all the way across the room. "Now serve me a drink or it's gonna get worse." says the bear."We don't serve bears at this bar." repeats the bartender.The bear looks at the bartender with rage in his eyes and says "If you don't serve me I'm going to eat that woman over there."The bartender simply looks at the bear with an unchanging expression and doesn't say anything but points to the sign on the bar which clearly states that bears will not be served at this fine establishment."Fine, I'm going to eat this woman. But this is on you man." The bear then proceeds to rip the sleeping woman to shreds and eats her all up. "Now, unless you want any more blood on your conscience you'd better serve me a drink." says the bear with the shreds of a sequined shirt hanging from his teeth."I've told you, we don't serve bears at this bar. Especially not bears on drugs.""Drugs?!?" says the bear incredulously, "I'm not on any drugs.""Oh no?" says the bartender, "You know that woman over there? That was a bar bitch you ate.".........A barbiturate, get it?
Part 3 of Sean Patrick Flanery messing with Norman Reedus in a bathroom.
The adventures of Flanenbaum and Reedensteinhttp://www.shineuntiltomorrow.com/norman-reedus/finding-reedus-pt-3/Part 1: http://ift.tt/1xxuSsG 2: http://ift.tt/1xxuSsI
Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.
So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..
Knock Knock
"Who's there?" "Kelly Clarkson boo" "Kelly Clarkson boo who?" "Stop crying, Kelly Clarkson."
My wife has a shell tattooed on her inner thigh.
When you put your ear to eat, you can smell the sea.
Daughter needs a prom dress
Az összesítés nem áll rendelkezésre. A bejegyzés megtekintéséhez
kattints ide.
Don't fuck with the dark, broody badass who doesn't have a sense of humor.
One day, just to fuck with Batman, Superman spray painted "BATMAN IS A PUSSY" on a wall. Batman saw this an sprayed "SUPERMAN IS CLARK KENT" under it.
A couple had just finished up in bed... (nsfw)
They went to go put there clothes on when all of the sudden a bumble bee flies through the window and into the girlfriends lady parts.Girlfriend - "OH CRAP! THERE'S A BUMBLE BEE IN MY VAGINA!"Boyfriend - "WE GOTTA GET TO THE DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY!!!! HOP IN THE CAR AND LETS GO!"The couple got into the car and sped over to the hospital."NURSE, NURSE! WE NEED A DOCTOR NOW!""What seems to be the problem?""THERE'S A BUMBLEE IN MY GIRLFRIENDS VAGINA AND WE CAN'T GET IT OUT!""Oh gosh," said the nurse. "This is serious. I will get the doctor right away!"Within minutes the couple was seen by the doctor."so, what seems to be the problem, guys?""DOCTOR, DOCTOR! THERE'S A BUMBLEBEE IN MY GIRLFRIENDS VAGINA AND WE CAN'T GET IT OUT!""This is more serious than I expected," The doctor said to the boyfriend. "This needs to be handled immediately. I am going to need your approval, though.""yeah, whatever you have to do! Just get it out!"The doctor ran over to the cabinet, pulled out a jar of honey and then dropped his pants."Here's the plan. I'm going to slather honey onto my penis and insert it into your girlfriends vagina. Hopefully the Bee will cling and I can safely remove the threat."The boyfriend was very uncomfortable with it all, but agreed out of desperation."Alright, here we go!" announced the doctor as he slathered on some honey.The doctor inserted it in, but the bee didn't seem to be clinging."I'm going to need to go a little deeper. This bugger is being difficult." so, the doctor went deeper. Still, the bee did not seem to be clinging.All of the sudden, the doctor starts aggressively thrusting and grabbing the girlfriends breasts."WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DOCTOR!" yelled the boyfriend."...New plan...I'm going to drown the bastard.
John met a beautiful girl...
She was incredibly fit, he noticed, for being wheelchair bound. They spoke for a few minutes, really hit it off, and made plans for later that evening. When John arrived at her house that evening, he was greeted at the door by her father. A mountain of a man, the girl's father wanted to ensure John treated her right. "Son, I'm sure you've noticed that Karen's handicapped," he continued, "and although she's strong, I'd like you to keep in mind that she's still a lady, and should be treated as such." John nodded to show his deference, and helped Karen into his car. They decided to take a romantic walk through the park. The sunset was gorgeous, the geese cooed and cuddled in small groups, and the night felt abuzz with newfound love. "John," Karen spoke softly,"I want you to make love to me." John was elated. He'd never been with anyone nearly as beautiful as Karen. But there was a question that had to be asked. "How would we... you know?..." he asked coyly. Karen blushed and said,"Well, you are wearing a belt. You could place it under my arms and buckle it around a tree, to make sure I don't fall." John agreed, and complied with her wishes, all the while taking great care to support her delicate frame, and the two made love in the moonlight. When John took Karen home from their romantic night, he was once again greeted by her father, who offered John a hundred dollar bill. Confused, John protested that he didn't want payment for dating Karen, as she was the girl of his dreams. This continued for weeks; the two went out every night to the park, made love in the woods, and every night the father offered John a hundred dollar bill in gratitude. One night, John had enough. He stopped the father from reaching for his wallet and said sternly,"Sir, I don't want to be paid for dating your daughter. She's the most wonderful girl I've ever met, and I plan to marry her! Why do you continually try to pay me anyhow?" The father looked at John and replied,"Because the last guy she dated left her tied up to that tree."
What did the scientist say to his hot assistant?
"There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus."
Steven Spielberg is casting for his upcoming blockbuster on the history of classical music.
He asks his stars who they want to play. Brad Pitt says, "I want to be Mozart. His pastiche of influences from several European countries has always fascinated me." Tom Cruise chimes in with, "I’d like to be Beethoven. I love the way he handled the transition from Classicism to Romanticism." Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
vintage Bush joke
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
2014. november 11., kedd
An Israeli group travels to the Chech Republic.
They want to visit Auschwitz, and have a guided tour.On the way from their hotel to the camp their bus breaks down. The guide, embarrassed because of this, thinks of a way to meet the deadline for the tour. He sees a farm in the distance, and rushes to it.He knocks on the door of the house, and an old chech man opens. "Hello! We´re from Israel and want to go to Auschwitz, but our bus broke down. Might you be able to help us?" "How many of you are there?" "With me, there are 52 of us." The farmer looks at the guide, then at the bus in the distance. With a worried face he turns and looks at something in his kitchen behind his back. Then he looks the guide straight in the eyes."Sorry, I don´t have an oven that big."
Two soldiers..
..came across a dead animal and an argument began. One soldier said it was a donkey, the other claimed it to be a mule. An officer happened by and they asked him to settle it. He said stiffly, "It's an ass; Now dig a hole and bury it!"As the dough feet were digging and grumbling, a pretty, little nurse walked by and asked sweetly, "What are you boys digging? A fox hole?"The soldiers grinned and dryly answered, "nope."
Being cross-eyed has made it difficult for me to stay in monogamous relationships
Sometimes when I'm seeing a girl I can't help but also see someone else on the side
I know this isn't a joke and should probably post it somewhere else...
But does anyone have good Unidan copypastas? I have literally no idea where else to post this (askreddit? No. Outoftheloop? Probably not.)Also Mods: please take this down if in violation of rules.I just really like those pastas.
Hippie chicks apply their tampons...
...up tight, outta sight and in the groove.Edit: thanks to /r/MyReal1
Apparently being a mother is the hardest job in the world. They're probably right.
I can definitely see brain surgeons struggling to put Frozen into a DVD player.
Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...
...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation. A few week later she’s crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed.She comes up to heaven and sees God. “I don’t understand,” she says to God “You said I had another thirty years?”God answers her, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Just found out my girlfriend of the last four years cheated on me with one of my friends!
What are some creative ways I can call her a whore? This may be wrong but I reallllyyyy want to hurt her feelings and I thought where better to get insults than here! Help a brother out reddit!
A cop gets called out to a noise complaint...
and when he gets there he sees a massive black man dancing on a car roof. He picks up his radio and says "There's this massive fucking black bastard dancing on the roof of a car!"The officer on the other end of the radio angrily responds "You cant say that! You have to use proper police terminology!" To which the first cop replies"Ok. Zulu, Tango, Sierra!"
For my cake day, I present my favorite joke. An oldie but a good one.
A man was driving to work when he was pulled over.The cop walks up and says "You were doing 62 in a 55. Where are you in such a rush to, son?""On my way to work officer.""Well you must be pretty important to think you can speed in my town" says the officer as he begins to write a ticket."Oh, I am, sir." replies the man. "I'm senior asshole stretcher."The cop stops writing and looks at the man disgustedly. "Boy! What in the hell is an asshole stretcher?""Oh, we begin with your typical asshole" says the man showing the cop the side of his clenched fist "and we begin by lightly massaging and working the asshole" he says while rubbing his fingers on the side of his fist and gradually making a hole. "Eventually we can make any asshole easily a foot wide, but, the great ones we can get to five, maybe six feet!"The cop is now standing on the side of the road jaw agape until he finally musters up enough composure to stutter out "Wha- wha- what in the world would someone do with a six foot asshole?!?"The man calmly replies "Give him a badge and a radar gun."
No sex for six months
The doctor told a patient not to have sex for six months. However, after four months, both the man and his wife grow restless and horny. They have sex, and the man is rushed to the hospital.He wakes up and finds his family and friends by his bed to check up on him. He says:"God damn this fuck, everybody knew about it".
What's the difference between my girlfriend and a dead baby?
A dead baby doesn't protest when I put my dick in its butt.
How to be insulting
A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
How native Americans got their names
A little boy asked his mom how did my older brother get his name, Mother anwserd well after sex your father looked out the tepee and saw two deer running across the land;therefore, we named him two deer. The little boy looked at his mother and asked what about my other brother? She looked at her son and said, after sex your father looked out of the tepee and saw an eagle soaring;therefore, we call him soaring eagle, the mother looked at her youngest child and says why do you ask two dogs fucking.
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Wrong size. Should have bought from Zappos.(Note: original story reference here - it wasn't Hemingway: http://ift.tt/WImRPa)
A blonde was driving her red Ferrari down the highway
She cuts off a trucker while doing her makeup, forcing him to swerve and slam on the brakes. The trucker honks his horn and gets her to pull over to the side of the road. They're both standing outside and the trucker draws a circle in the dirt around the blonde. He says "Whatever you do, do not step out of this circle." He goes into his truck, pulls out an aluminum bat and beats the shit out of the blondes Ferrari. He is really going to town on it when he hears a giggling behind him. He turns and asks "why the hell are you laughing? I just destroyed your $200,000 Ferrari!" The blonde responds "when you weren't looking I stepped outside of the circle."
A convent burns down...
And all the nuns die in the fires. At the gates of Heaven, they are judged one by one by St. Pete. He asks the first nun: "My sister, have you any sin to confess?" "No, St.Pete", she responds. "Then you are free to enter!"After judging half of the nuns, none seem to have sinned. Then, sister Clair steps forward. Again, St.Pete asks:"Sister, have you any sin to confess?" "Yes, brother!" She sais, "I touched the errect genitals of father Benedict, from the monastery next door!" "Then, " St.Pete sais ,"you shall wash the bodypart of yours, wich touched his genitals ,in this bowl filled with holy water and your sins will be forgiven!"Upon hearing this, the last nun in line sprints forward and shouts: "St.Pete!Brother!Can i at least gargle before sister Mary washes her butt in the bowl ?!?"
A policeman happens upon a drunk Irishman...
who is scrabbling on the floor beside a street light, obviously looking for something."Have you lost something sir?" asked the Policeman."Yesssh losht ma keys, can't find them anywhere..." he slurred."Whereabouts did you lose them sir?" the policeman said whilst bending down to help.The drunk points over his shoulder to a dark lane behind him "shomewhere round that road there" he said."Then why are you looking over here?" The policeman asked, baffled."Can't see a thing over there, there'sh no light"
What is «happines»? - It life in Sovetic Union…
What is «unhappiness» - It is to have this «such happenis»
Wake-up Call
After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man holding a shotgun on the nightstand. Naturally, he began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asked nervously. “No, silly,” she said while nibbling away at his ear. “Well, who IS he then?” demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me . . . before the surgery
2014. november 10., hétfő
Everything's racist these days.
You can't even say "black paint" anymore.You have to say "Tyrone, paint that wall".
A man goes to confession
A man goes to confession. He begins, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I... I THINK I may have committed adultery. But I'm not really sure of the rules." He explained."Tell me what happened, son." Answered the priest."Well. I went out for drinks with my co-workers. My wife wasn't there. Eventually one thing led to another and I found myself flirting with a female coworker of mine who I was really attracted to. I thought about having sex with her... but I decided against it and so I left asap!""Of course that's adultery!" exclaimed the priest. "Just thinking about putting it in is the same as actually putting it in! Now to be forgiven, pray 10 Our Fathers and put $100 in the donation box on your way out!"So the man went into the pews and prayed his 10 Our Fathers. Then on his way out, he stopped by the donation box, and then headed for the door. But before he could leave, the priest stopped him."Son, I saw that you prayed your Our Fathers, and I saw that you went over to the donation box, but I didn't see you make a donation."The man replied, "But Father, I thought about putting it in which is the same as actually putting it in."
My girlfriend has a pet
and I had a pet chicken. Her donkey ate my chicken. Now, I have my cock inside her ass this whole time.
Whatever you do, don't jack off...
There are 2 gay guys in a car and they drive to the mall.The first one gets out to get something at the mall and he tells the other "you better not jack off in my car. Whatever you do, just don't jack off." The second guy says, "don't worry, of course i won't."An hour later, the whole car is slathered in cum and the first guy gets back and he says, "what the fuck dude, i thought i told you not to jack off."The second guy responds and says, "i didn't jack off; i farted"
Why was the guy with the foot fetish in a bad neighborhood?
Because he heard it was the place to get toes.
Did anyone hear about the new music genre created by the VP in the clinton administration?
The general idea is that the end of each song is determined by a combination of the beginning of that song and the subsequent bars taken to reach the end.It's called 'al-gore-rhythm'.
SMILE | The After-Effects of Marriage
A lion was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood a distance and wished then lion.A mouse came and climbed to the stage and extended his hand to wish the lion.The lion roared in rage and said, "How dare you come up the stage? Even the tiger is maintaining distance and you climbed the stage."The mouse replied and after listening to that the lion fainted..The mouse said, "Oh shut up buddy, even I was lion before marriage." Source
My friend started a business in Afghanistan selling land mines that look like prayer rugs..
He says prophets are going through the roof.
Obama: Dave, it's Barack, we have an updog situation at the white house.
Cameron: What's updog?Obama high fives entire oval Office
Toughest Time of my Life
I had the toughest time of my life.First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis.I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis......I don't know how I pulled through it.It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.Source
The fence.
A young man is at the drug store, looking to buy condoms for The first time. He tells the pharmacist- an attractive older woman, that it's his first time and he's not sure what to get.The woman, seeing an opportunity to have some fun, instructs the boy to go out behind the store, and there's a fence with 3 knot holes in it. He should stick his pecker in each one and find which one is the best size.So as he goes around the building the woman runs out the back and hides on the other side of the fence.The boy sticks it in the first one and she starts tugging on his willie."Oh man this feels great!" He thinks. "I'm gonna try the next one."So he goes over the the next one and puts his little peter in the hole and the woman starts sucking on it."Wow this is even better!" He exclaims. "I wonder what the last one feels like!"So he goes over to the last hole and puts his cock in there. The woman then flips up her skirt and lays it on the young lad, riding him till completion."Holy cow!" He shrieks, zipping up his pants and running back inside.The woman is at the counter waiting for him, and as he approaches she asks him playfully, "So, which size condoms do you need?""Fuck the condoms!" He says. "I want 6 feet of that fence!"
My girlfriend called me immature...
I think she was just emotional because it was one of her yucky pussy days.
You have Sinned
Johnny, Mike, and Pete were driving late at night when a cat cut in front of the car. Pete swerved to avoid the cat but plowed right into a tree.The next thing the men knew, they were in what appeared to be a white and cloudy waiting room. They looked at each other, shocked, and thought that they must be in heaven.Before they could speak to each other, a loud voice spoke up and called to the first man."Pete, report to room 13". the first man nervously looked at his friends and walked down the hallway to room 13.Pete turned the knob of the door and stepped inside. On the other end of the room was a vicious lion. The lion was roaring, gnashing its teeth, and tearing at the ground.The loud voice boomed..."Pete, you have sinned. You must spend 10,000 years in this room before you can enjoy the fruits of heaven."At that, the door slammed shut and locked. Johnny and Mike couldn't believe their ears. What a terrible fate for their friend, but before they could nervously bicker with each other the voice boomed again."Mike, report to room 5."After hearing this, Mike was terrified. He looked over to Johnny but started inching down the hallway to room 5. When he got there, he turned the knob and walked into the room.On the other end of the room, there is a pack of huge and ferocious hyenas growling and biting at each other. They were howling wildly and snarling, now bringing their gaze to Mike.The loud voice boomed..."Mike, you have sinned. You must spend 50,000 years in this room before you can enjoy the fruits of heaven."No sooner had the sentence been heard did the door slam shut and lock.Johnny is standing alone now, terrified. There is no doubt that Pete and Mike were both saints compared to him.As Johnny is staring down the hallway, the voice booms..."Johnny, report to room 1."Johnny looks down at the ground, and as slow as possible shuffles to the big door of room #1. He turns the knob and walks in with his eyes closed.He opens his eyes and on the other end of the room he sees Scarlett Johansson standing there, naked. He cant believe his eyes, rubbing them in disbelief.The loud voice booms..."Scarlett Johansson, you have sinned."
A man buys a new Harley-Davidson
The salesman says to him as he's wheeling it out "It's a great bike but you really have to be careful with the chrome. Whenever it rains, you need to put Vaseline on it to keep the water off, otherwise it will rust". The man thanks him and rides off.Soon, his sexy new Harley gets him a sexy new girlfriend and after lots of sexy new girlfriend sex, she invites him to her house to meet her parents for dinner. They eat this delicious meal and, just as they're finishing, the man's girlfriend leans over and says "honey, we have a tradition in our house that the first person to speak after the meal has to do all the washing up".Now, the man hates washing up and there was a lot of it. So he resolves that it's not gonna be him. So they finish up and sit quietly. Times ticks on. The father is reading his paper. The mother is staring into space. And the man gets increasingly frustrated but he is certain. He is not going to do this washing up. Time ticks on some more. After an hour, the man can't take this. He has to do something.So he reaches over and starts fondling his girlfriends breast. Nothing. No reaction. After a few minutes of this, he snaps, picks her up, throws her on the table and starts fucking her like a madman. Still nothing. Dead silence. Dad still reading the paper. Mother staring into space.The man can't take this any more so he pushes his girlfriend onto the floor, pushes the mother onto the table, pulls her dress up and starts pounding away like a man possessed. Still nothing. No one says a word.He finishes up and sits back down, lost as to what he can do to end this horror. Suddenly, he hears a rumble of thunder and thinks "oh god, it's going to rain! The chrome on my bike!"So he whips out his tub of Vaseline, and the dad throws his paper down and says "oh for fucks sake, I'LL DO THE DAMN WASHING UP".
Story of a dizzy blond !!!!
This is a story of a poor dizzy blond flying in a seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She,frantic,calls out a May Day. "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and i dont know how to fly. Help me! Please Help me!"She heards a voice over the radio saying: "This is air traffic control and i have you loud and clear.i willtalk you through this and get you back on ground. i've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now,just take a deep breath. Everything wil be fine! Now give me your height and position! "She says , "I'm 5'4 and i'm in front seat."(Pause)"O.K." says the voice in the radio......."Reapeat after me : Our father who art in heaven"
Famine in the forest
There was a huge famine in the forest, the animals were starving and they were desperate. One day, as the Bunny was walking down a path, he found a big basket of beautiful, large eggs right in the middle of the road. He counted the eggs: there were 20 of them! He was so happy! But there was no way he could have cooked more than one egg in his tiny bunny pan. So he headed towards the Bears' house to borrow his pan.As he went down the road, he thought: "with this famine going on, the Bear will certainly want some of the eggs in exchange for his pan. Oh that's fair, even if he wants 5 eggs I'll still have 15!""But what If he will want 10?" he thought. "That's alright, 10 eggs will be enough for me."As he was getting closer to the Bears' house he kept worrying: "what if he wants 15? But what if he wants all of them!?!?"He knocked on the Bear's door. The Bear opened the door and the Bunny yelled:"Hey, Bear, you know what!?! Fuck you and your damned pan!!!"
Irish fisherman
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.'Fishing,' replied the old man.'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?''You're the eighth.'
My mom: Asians are some of the safest people in the world...
Me: There are asian gangs too My mom: And they're called study groups!
Stalin and Roosevelt
Stalin and Roosevelt are chatting at a meeting on the top floor of a building.In a heated argument they decided to test their bodyguard's loyalty.Roosevelt goes first and tells his bodyguard "Jump out the window" to which the bodyguard responds "No I cant... What about my family?"Then Stalin goes and tells his body the same thing.Stalin's bodyguard then goes to the window, jumps out, and dies instantly upon hitting the pavement below."Why did he do that" asked Roosevelt?"Well" said Stalin "He was thinking about his family too"
A man walked into an appliance store
and asked the clerk, "Do you sell color televisions?" "Yes," said the clerk.The man replied, "Then give me a green one."
What does a schizophrenic, agnostic, insomniac do?
He stays up all night asking himself if there is a Dog.Thank.
Another one from the pub: The Ventriloquist!
So, this ventriloquist's doing a gig at a pub and has people rolling over their seats laughing.At one point, he delivers an Irish joke, and a man in the crowd gets up, points at him, and roars: 'What's ye's telling them offenshev jokes, for?! Some of us here are Paddys, boy-o!'The ventroloquist stops, turns to the man and says: 'I'm sorry, sir, I was just telling a joke. I didn't mean to offend you so. I'll keep it clean of offensive jokes from now on.'And the Paddy goes: 'Who's talkin' to ye's?! I was shpeakin' to the man on your lap!'
Why Latvian man did cross road?
Man have no chicken. All animals are die in famine. Man cross to look for potato. No potato.
A very attractive young lady walks into a sandwich shop..
The man behind the counter smiled as she approached."Good afternoon, ma'am. Would you like your sandwich on brown or white bread?"The girl smiled back at him and said:"I don't care, just give me a good filling."
My brother just asked me what 'FAP' meant...
Shit! Now I am starting to regret leaving comments on his missus facebook pics.
2014. november 9., vasárnap
What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?
"Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"
I AM NOT "HAPPY"!
So last week I'm driving in town and a large SUV decides to stop abruptly on a yellow light. I was forced to slam on my brakes and still could not avoid slamming into the SUV. With the airbag in my face and two brand new black eyes, I manage to open the door and step out of my vehicle. I see the drivers side door open and out jumps a "little person". He runs to the back of his SUV and see's the damage and starts shouting "I'm NOT HAPPY!, I'm NOT HAPPY!". I replied to him "If your not "HAPPY" which one are you?
Pink Ping Pong Paddle
A man's son was turning five, and his father came to him and said, "Son, you're a good little fellow. I'd like to get you something nice this year. I can get you a Big Wheel or a swingset, or...what do you want son?" The boy goes, "I want a pink ping pong paddle." The dad says, "Son...a pink ping pong paddle...I can get you that but are you sure, wouldn't you rather have something else?" "A big wheel I guess." So he gets a big wheel trike.When the kid turns thirteen, the dad comes to him again and says, "Boy, you're a kind son, and I'd like to get you something nice for your thirteenth birthday. What would you like? A playstation 3, or a computer, or a new bike, or something else?" "Dad, I want a pink ping pong paddle." "A pink ping pong paddle? Son are you sure? You don't want a computer or something?" "Computer'd be fine dad." So he gets the boy a computer.When he turns sixteen, he comes to the boy and says, "Son, you've turned sixteen and getting your drivers license. Would you like a car this year son?" "Dad, I want a pink ping pong paddle." The dad is astounded. "A pink ping pong paddle? Are you sure? You could have a car, boy!" "Car'd be great dad." So he gets him a car.His son turns twenty and moves into an apartment. "As a moving-in gift son, I'd like to get you something. A couch, or a bed, or...whatever you want son." "Dad, all I want is a pink ping pong paddle." "A pink ping pong paddle? Wouldn't you rather have something new for your apartment?" "Couch'd be great dad." So he gets his son a couch.A few years pass and his son turns twenty-five. The son's got some rare condition and he's just got a few days to live. His father says, "Son...I know you have little time left on this earth, and you've been a great son...I'll get you whatever you want...anything, you name it." The son thinks for a moment and says, "Dad, I just want a pink ping pong paddle." The father is astounded, and says, "Son, I don't get it. You've been asking for a pink ping pong paddle since you were a little boy...why is it so important to you? What do you want with it? Why do you want it?"The son sits up in bed, and says, "Dad...the reason I want...a pink ping pong paddle is..." and he dies.
Fella goes to the house of ill repute.
Lady meets him at the door and he asks "how much"? "$25" she sezs. "You gotta be putting me on", sez Fella. "No, that's another $5" sez Lady.
A man falls into a vat at a scotch distillery...
he drowns in the vat and the workers decide that despite this they'll still bottle this batch.While tasting they agreed that despite the odd taste it was full bodied.
The wife came home early...
...and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children. I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away.' And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, ' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!! And the husband began - 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ' Please do you have tree fiddy?'
A boy walks up to a magician...
The boy asks the magician "Can you show me a magic trick?" The magician says "Alright, turn around and pull down your pants." The boy turns around, pulls down his pants, and the magician proceeds to stick his thumb up the kids butt. The kid turns around, pulls up his pants, and says "That's not a magic trick! You just stuck your thumb up my butt!" "Fine, turn around and pull down your pants. I'll show you a real magic trick." replied the magician. The boy does it again and the magician sticks his thumb up his butt once more. The kid turned around and furiously said "That's not a magic trick! You shoved your thumb up my butt!" The magician replies "Alright, turn around one more time, and I promise you will get a magic trick." The boy turns around one last time. The boy feels something insert his put and says "That's not a magic trick, you just stuck your thumb up my butt." The magician sticks both of his thumbs in front of the boys face and says "Tadaaaaa!"
One for us old guys
Lady opens a house of ill repute and hired 3 girls to work for her: a fashion model, a telephone operator and an elementary school teacher. She figured the model would be the most popular with the guys as she was so much prettier, followed by the operator then the teacher who was rather a plain Jane. To her surprise, after the second week, most of the guys wanted to see the teacher. Lady decided to stand out side the girl's doors and eaves drop on them. She heard the model say, don't mess my hair, don't mess my makeup. She heard the operator say, you three minutes are up, deposit another $5.50 (told you it was for the old guys). BUT when she listened outside the teacher's door, she heard," I don't care how many times it takes, you are going to do it over until you get it right!"
What was the first thing on Prince William's son's head?
A rightful HairA hair apparentA hair to the throne
A man tries to rob a record store...
... by stealing many valuable vinyls. However, a sharp-eyed-shopper caught him in the act. He shouted out, "Hey! This guy's trying to shoplift!" to the rest of the store. The thief tried to run away, but the shopper grabbed a record and threw it at the man, knocking him over. Several other shoppers noticed, and joined in on the act, ransacking the Hard Rock section for vinyls to throw at the thief, beating and bruising him all over with their throws.Eventually, the mob ran out of vinyls to throw from the Hard Rock section. So, they went over the neighboring section, Folk Rock, and grabbed even more records to throw at the thief. However, to their astonishment, the records had no effect. The discs bounced off the man like he was invulnerable to them. Astounded, the sharp-eyed shopper asked, "How are you not getting hurt?"The thief replied, "Styx and the Stones may break my bones, but Byrds will never hurt me."
the story of Abdul Aziz's....(please don't take this personally)
Name? Abdul Aziz. Sex? Three to five times a day. No, no...I mean male or female? Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn't that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast...
Apparently they've released a new margarine in Africa...
It spreads so good they can't believe it's not ebola!
My girlfriend asked me if I had a secret pet name for her.
Judging by the look on her face, 'sperm whale' was not an appropriate answer.
If guns don't kill people, people kill people,
Then it must also be true that toasters don't toast toast. Toast toast toast.
Three farmers (longish)
Three farmers are down on their luck, and are on the verge of utter destitution. They have only one pig left, a skinny thing that - no matter what kind or quality or quantity of food it eats - shits it all out and gains no weight.The first farmer says "We have to find a way to fatten up this pig."Second farmer says "But nothing we've tried has worked so far."The third farmer says "I have an idea. We take the rest of our money, buy a monkey, and train him to put a cork in the pig's ass. That way he won't shit anymore and he'll gain lots of weight."The farmers agree. They train the monkey, and the monkey walks up behind the pig and POP! shoves a cork in his ass.TIme passes and the pig gets bigger and bigger. They start winning prizes at fairs and their luck turns around. All is well with the farmers, but as they are surveying their animals, they see the pig who has now grown insanely large.First farmer says, "That pig doesn't look right."Second farmer says, "It hasn't shit in two years. We have to do something."Third farmer says, "I have an idea! We take that monkey and train him to put a ladder up to the back of the pig's ass, reach in, and pull out the cork to let a little out."They agree, and train the monkey. The monkey walks up behind the pig, props a ladder up against it, reaches in, and...PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHShit goes everywhere. The three farmers die.When they get to the pearly gates, Saint Peter is waiting there for them and says, "In all the confusion, we couldn't tell how you died. What happened?"The first farmer says, "I died of the smell."The second farmer says, "I died of the taste."The third farmer says, "I died laughing watching that monkey try to put the cork back in the pig's ass."
This will offend you.
Q: What's the best part about having sex with twentynine year olds? A: There's twenty of them!
[NSFW] Robin asks Batman what's nuance.
Batman gives him the definition, but Robin doesn't understand it. So Batman comes up with some hypothetical situation and uses it for the explanation. Robin still doesn't get it. Batman comes up with another example with lots of details. He's dancing around, singing, drawing charts, etc.. but there's still no sign of any idea in Robin's eyes. Finally Batman loses his temper and tells Robin to drop his pants. As Robin does so, Batman shoves his dick up Robin's ass and says, "You see, I've got dick up the ass, and you've got dick up the ass. But there's nuance"
A man came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man...
A man came home early from work to find his wife in bed with another man.The husband shouted, "What the hell is going on here"?"See?" said the wife, "I told you he was stupid."
The caretaker told me this one
A little boy asks his father one day "dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" The dad takes him to the bedroom where the mom is asleep, pulls her pants down and says "that son, is a pussy" The son asks "can I touch it?" The dad replies "No, you might wake up the cunt"
There once was a man named Dave
Who kept three dead whores in a caveHe played with their titsAnd fingered their clitsOh think of the money he saved
Did you hear about the surgeon that got sacked for having sex with his patients?
It's a shame really. He was a damn good vet.
rape is like a box of chocolates
they will both kill your dog so always have an empty box of chocolates ready to go
Alien Sex
One night a couple was sitting on the couch talking when they heard a terrible noise outside. They ran out to see what it was. When they got there they were shocked to see that an alien spaceship had landed in their backyard. The aliens said, "Don't worry we're friendly- we come in peace."So the human couple invites the alien couple into their home and they begin to talk. After awhile it starts to get late and the alien couple said, "Look we've never had sex with a human and we know you've never had sex with an alien so how about we switch places for the night." The human couple agreed. The human woman and the male alien began messing around in a bedroom.When the alien man pulled out his dick the woman was shocked by how small it was. The alien said, "Oh that's no problem look." He hit himself in the forehead and it grew 1 inch."Wow that's amazing""Yeah" he replied "just keep doing that until it is the size you want it."Well after awhile she got it to the length she wanted but it was still small around, so he said' "Well watch this" And pulled his ears. It got bigger around. "just keep doing that until its the size you want it." The woman pulled his ears and got everything to her liking. They then proceeded to have amazing sex.The next morning after the aliens left the human couple was talking and the male asks, "So how was it?"She replied' "It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. What about you?""Well I hated it!""Why?""That alien bitch wouldn't stop hitting me on the forehead and pulling my ears."
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...I'm sorry..
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
Northern fairy tails start with, "Once upon a time," and Southern fairy tales start with "Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit."
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
A husband and wife love to golf together...
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. Straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft."That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
A Zen student asked his master, "Is it OK to use email?"
"Yes," replied the master, "But no attachments."
Three couples
One day three couples show up at a church and inquire about becoming members. The priest informs them he would be pleased to instruct them as members but that that prior to instruction they have to meet one requirement. They must be celibate for 90 days. Three months later all three couples show back up at the church. The priest asks the first couple if they've abstained. The husband says, "Father, my wife and I have been married close to 50 yrs. We had all our sex years ago. 90 days was no problem." The priest welcomes them to the church. The same question is posed to the second couple. The husband replies, "Father, my wife and I have been married 10 yrs. I love her deeply. The first month was hard. The second was worse. The third month was horrible but we made it." The priest welcomes them to the church. He then inquires of the third couple. The husband says, "Father, my wife and I are newlyweds. We've only been married less than a year. The first month was brutal. The second month I thought I was going to die. Father, I can' t lie to you. One night during the third month my wife dropped a can of peas and she bent over to pick it up. It was right there in my face. I could see it, I could reach out and just touch it. Father, I couldn't help myself. I ripped off all her clothes and we made mad, passionate love." The priest says, "Well, I'm sorry son but we can't allow you in the church." The husband replies, "That's okay, Father, we're not allowed back in the supermarket anymore either."
Intellectual Jokes as in: Yo mama so wide she didn't fit through the Thermopylae Pass
or she so fat she didn't fit through the last circle in Dante's Inferno.Let's get this thread ballin'.
A young couple are traveling on a desert road in their new convertible. (NSFW)
The boyfriend is behind the wheel and tells the woman to take her clothes off. She is hesitant at first but after the boyfriend's constant reminders that they're alone in the desert she gives in and strips naked. "See," says the boyfriend, "it's just you and me, baby." The boyfriend starts having a bit of trouble keeping his eyes on the road and loses control of the car. They swerve left and right and suddenly the convertible flips. The woman is tossed out of the vehicle while the boyfriend remains stuck under the flipped car on the side of the road. The only part of the boyfriend that is visible is his feet sticking out from under the car. Naked and afraid, the woman realizes she will have to go get help. She grabs the boyfriend's shoes and covers her vagina with them. After a few hours of walking she finally comes across a gas station. She hobbles into the station and gets the clerk's attention. "Help! There's been an accident and my boyfriend is stuck!" The clerk notices the two shoes at her vagina and replies, "Lady, if he's stuck in that far then we'll never get him out."
Son walks up his dad and asks, "What does alternative mean?"
So dad begins to explain: imagine, you have a chicken egg. It gives you two optios: you can cook it and eat, or you can put it into the hatcher and get a little chicken.-- So, this is an alternative?-- No, not this. So, now you have a chicken, that grows from day to day. It'll give you another two options: you can sell it or you can bring a cockerel and get more chicken eggs in a while.-- Is this what alternative means?-- Not yet. Later, as you get more eggs, you can sell 'em for some money or you can keep 'em and in a while get even more chickens and cockerels.-- So, that is an alternative?-- Be patient, son, 'coz now you have quite a number of chickens and cockerels and you can sell all of them. Or you can keep part of them to produce more and more eggs and chckens.-- Bla-bla-bla, is it finally what alternative means?-- Nope. You see, you keep producing and selling eggs and chicken, your farm grows, your income increases, you're well and happy, until finally one day you find out, that all your ckickens are infected with some bloody chicken flu and your business is fucked up ruined.-- SO WHAT THE HELL IS AN ALTERNATIVE?, -- cries out his son.-- Ducks, my son, is an alternative.
2014. november 8., szombat
Chicken
Man walks into his kitchen with a chicken under his arm, and sits down at the table with his wife. He says, "This is what I fuck when you have a headache." She says, "You fuck a chicken?" He says, "I wasn't talking to you."
So, 3 height workers are sitting on a steel bar high above the ground ready to eat their lunch...
when the first one opens his lunchbox and says 'dammit! Cheese again, if my wife gives me cheese again tomorrow I'll jump to my death!' The second one opens his lunchbox and says 'Dammit! Ham again, if my wife gives me ham again tomorrow I'll jump to my death!' Then the 3rd one opens his lunchbox and says ' Dammit! Peanut-butter again, if my wife gives me peanut butter again tomorrow I'll jump to my death!' So, the next day the 3 guys are sitting on their steel bar high above ground ready to eat their lunch again. The first one opens his lunchbox and sure enough, it's cheese again! So he jumps to his death. The 2nd one opens his lunchbox and it's ham again! So he jumps to his death. The 3rd one opens his lunchbox and sure enough, again peanut-butter, so he as well, jumps to his death! Few days after at their funeral, their wives come together and the first ones wife says 'I don't get it, if only he told me he didn't like cheese, I would have made him something else!' The 2nd ones wife says 'I don't get it either! If only he told me he didn't like ham! I would have made him something else!' The 3rd ones wife says 'I completely don't get it! He always made his own sandwiches!'
A man receives a shirt from his wife and 2 ties from his mother in law for his birthday...
The mother in law invites him and his wife to a restaurant, playing the good husband, he takes a long shower, wears the shirt he got from his wife and one of the ties he received and goes out with his wife.They arrive at the restaurant and right as he opens the door the mother in law comments: "Why didn't you take the other tie?!", at this point he stops listening to her complaints and shit.Moral of the story? Wear pants in public.
An English guy goes to prison in Russia.
An English guy goes to prison in Russia. His huge Russian cell mate tells him "I'm not going to lie, I'm going to fuck you, only question is, you want it with Vaseline, or without Vaseline?" The English guy says "if you're going to fuck me, I think I'd prefer with Vaseline" The Russian leans out of the cell and and shouts "VASELINE, COME ON HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU TOO!"
The Penguin and the Rooster (x-post from /r/FinishTheJoke)
Link to original commentTwo friends, a Penguin and a Puffin, were walking down a country road. Suddenly, a Rooster ran up to the Penguin and said to her,"My love, at last we meet again! My heart has longed to gaze upon your face!""I know, I know, you said the same thing yesterday, and the day before that," replied the Penguin. "I told you to stop bothering me!"And so the Penguin and the Puffin continued their walk."He seems cute. Why did you turn him away?" asked the Puffin.And the Penguin said, "He's not cute, he's retarded!""What a terrible thing to say!" said the Puffin. "I think you should at least give him a chance.""I don't know," said the Penguin. "We'll see."The next day, the Penguin and the Puffin were walking down the road when, once again, the Rooster ran up to the Penguin."My love! Let us run away, get married, and start a new life together!""I'll tell you what," said the Penguin, exasperated. "A male penguin's responsibility is to take care of an egg until it hatches while the female goes away to store up food. If you can prove to me that you would make a good husband and father by taking care of an egg, then I will marry you.""Of course, my love!" exclaimed the Rooster. "I would do anything for you!"Later that day, the Penguin met up with the Rooster."Here is my egg," she said. "I will be back when it hatches. If you can take care of it, I will be your wife, but if not you must leave me alone."The Rooster dutifully sat on the egg every day, but as weeks went by and still the egg did not hatch, the Rooster began to despair."Maybe the chick will not come out because I do not sound like a penguin," he thought. So the Rooster made penguin noises as often as he could, but more time passed and the egg still did not hatch."Maybe the chick will not come out because I do not smell like a penguin," he thought. So the Rooster ate fish and swam in cold water until he thought he smelled like a penguin, but even more time passed and the egg still did not hatch."Maybe the chick will not come out because I do not look like a penguin," he thought. So the Rooster went to a field of blackberries and rooled around in the thickets until the berries had dyed his feathers. But when he went back and sat on the egg, he began to cry and said to himself, "I don't sound like a penguin, I don't smell like a penguin, and I certainly don't look like a penguin! I can never be this chick's father!"Back on the country road, the Penguin and the Puffin were walking and talking as usual. "Whatever happened to you and that Rooster?" asked the Puffin."Oh, it didn't work out," replied the Penguin.At that moment, the two walk by the place where the Penguin had left the Rooster and saw him hunched over and sobbing, feathers dark purple from the berries. The Puffin, not recognizing him, asks the Penguin,"Is that an eggplant sitting on that soccer ball?"And the Penguin says, "He's not an eggplant, he's retarded!"
90 Year old Ukranian man told me this one:
Three men die of natural causes and are in line at the pearly gates, waiting to hear if they will be saved or damned. When the first man gets to the front of the line Saint Peter says to him "You have been single all your life, so you will go to hell because your life was like heaven". The second man is now at the front of the line and Saint Peter says to him "You have been married all your life, so you will go to heaven because your life was like hell". Finally, the third man is being judged and Saint Peter says to him "You were married once and then remarried, so you will go to hell" "What?!" Says the third man, "I was married and I don't get to go to heaven like the second man?" Saint Peter says "Believe me, after being married twice, hell will feel like heaven.
LPT: If you are have a problem with someone, try walking a mile in their shoes.
Then you will be a mile away from them, and you will have their shoes.
I was in Nigeria browsing Tinder the other day
It said "There are no available girls in your area." (Thanks Boko Haram)
A friend and I are walking down the street
When we see a dog laying in the yard , licking his balls. My friend says "I wish I could do that!". I told him " I bet that dog would bite you!"
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
math and sex
math is like sex you add the people, subtract the clothes, you divide and hope you don't multiply.
A 3 legged dog..
walks into a saloon and takes a seat by himself. The barkeep walks over nervously and says "What can I get'cha, stranger?""Beer" the dog growls.As the barkeep gets the beer he asks "so I don't think I've ever seen you here. Mind if I ask what brings you into town?""I'm looking for the no good cur who shot my pa"
Corny Joke I Heard On The Radio
What did the one fish in the tank say to the other?"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
The Endless River
In my opinion, "The Endless River" is the best Pink-Floyd-Album of the last 20 years!
My roommate at 2:00 AM
Roommate: Dude so I was making out with this chick at Scorps, at closing time she took me home. Everything was great, but then, of course I shit the bed. Me: That sucks man, what happened? Did you fall asleep? Or say something to piss her off? Roommate: No man... I literally shit in her bed, she asked me to leave......
Too soon for Christmas jokes?
A man walks in to a pet store and says to the clerk, "My girlfriend really loves animals. Do you have one that would make a great Christmas present?" The clerk say, "Sure, how about this bird? His name is Chet. Chet sings Christmas songs."The man looks at Chet and says, "That sounds perfect. Show me." The clerk takes a lighter and puts it under the bird's left wing. The bird starts singing the greatest rendition of White Christmas that the man had ever heard. The clerk then takes the lighter and places it under the bird's right wing, and the bird starts singing a perfect version of Jingle Bells. At this point, the man is so impressed that he pays for the bird and hurries home.As soon as he gets home, he thinks to himself, "I better check to make sure that old man didn't scam me." He puts the lighter to the bird's left wing, and just like in the store, the bird starts singing White Christmas. He puts the lighter under the bird's right wing, and sure enough, the bird starts singing Jingle Bells. So then he thinks, "What if I put the lighter between the bird's legs?" He slowly places the lighter between the bird's leg, and the birds starts screaming, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON A OPEN FIRE!"
Announcing /r/FinishTheJoke
Yesterday, user /r/Raregan came up with a great joke in this thread having only the first line to work with.In fact it was so inspiring that someone suggested there should be a subreddit where someone starts a joke and the rest tries to finish it. It soon became reality. We could use some more users though, so if this sounds fun to you, give it a try./r/FinishTheJoke
Robin Hood
The teacher asked "Who can tell me the name of Robin Hood's love?". Little Billy raised his hand and said "It's Trudy Glen miss". The teacher says "No that's not right Billy, the correct answer is Maid Marian." Billy says: "That's not true miss. In the song it says.. Robin Hood Robin Hood Riding Trudy Glen"
Ebola Halloween Costume
So my friend decided that for Halloween he would go as the virus Ebola which is currently a bit of an issue in West Africa. He took a white shirt, stapled a couple of fake bats to the shirt, and wrote EBOLA across his chest. For those of you that don't know it is often spread by bats. He then tried to persuade one of us to go in a skeleton costume as Doctors Without Borders.....10/10 for originality...0/10 for sensitivity...
Heart jokes
What did one human heart say to the other? I got a heart onWhat did one Jamaican heart say to the other? That's a nice beat monWhat is the human hearts favorite kind of shirt? A wife beaterWhat did the coach say at Heart University? Come on guys let's get pumpedWhat did the police officer say to the human heart? You're under cardiac arrestWhat did the heart say after he was assaulted? Man I sure took a beating
A Chinese man...
poured rice into a river and said "We have too much of this in our country." A Mexican man poured corn into a river and said "We have too much of this in our country." An American man shoved the Mexican in the river and said "We have too much of this in our country."
Sachin and sunny leone
Inspired by the record breaking Sachin's autobiography :- Playing it my way.Sunny leone decides to write :- Fucking it my way!!! :)
2014. november 7., péntek
Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Cause Jewish women will take anything 10% off.As the Jewess daughter of the Queen of bargain hunting. I can attest to this.
I was putting our youngest to bed when he asked for a bedtime story
I checked my watch and saw that the football was starting in ten minutes, so I quickly took down the "Bumper Book of Fairytales" ...... and knocked the little fucker unconscious with it.
Apparently there is a bipartisan push in the US senate to legalize marijuana for arthritis treatment
So in other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.
Ed Zachary
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
The Mark
Johnny's father was a janitor at a business in the World Trade Center. He worked long hours there, and he always did a great job. Every floor was perfect. Every window was spotless. Every trashcan was emptied daily. He was a hard working man.Every day he'd leave for work early and he would return late in the night. He always put in overtime at work and provided for his family the best he could.As the years passed, Johnny's father grew older, he became less able to perform his duties at work. He attempted to get Johnny hired on to help him with the cleaning. His boss agreed, and Johnny was hired as another janitor.Things were going great for the two. They were making a decent living and were able to split the work between two people. Johnny learned all the tricks from his father, and faster than anyone had ever seen, he mopped the floors, he washed the windows, he emptied the trash cans. He even took on extra maintenance tasks with all the free time he had at work.One day, Johnny and his father were washing the outside of the windows, and they quickly became frustrated. There was a mark on the window that would not come off. No matter what they tried. They scrubbed it with soap and water. They tried spraying Windex. They tried many other cleaning solutions, but not matter what they did, this mark would not come off. They tried at it for weeks to get the mark off the window, and failed every time. They became obsessed with it. Neither of them could sleep at night.One day, late at night, Johnny got an idea. He headed into work to see what he could do about this mark on the window. When he got there, he discovered his father was already there, and had cleaned the mark! Johnny asked his father how he cleaned the mark. What did he use?His father would never tell him. He wanted to keep his secrets to himself, but as they grew older, his father became ill. As he lay on his deathbed, Johnny asked him once more, and all his father said was, "The glass is always cleaner on the other side."
Golden Hair, Golden Hair
There were two guys, Dan and Joe, talking at work one day and Dan seemed really frustrated. When Joe was asked why he was frustrated Dan said, "Man, my girl won't have sex with me anymore and it's killing me!"The Joe says, " I haven't had any problems at all to get my girl to have sex with me anytime I want her to."So Dan asks, "How do you get her to have sex with you whenever you want her to?"Joe replies,"I just describe her and tell her what I want."Dan says, "What do you mean?"Joe says," Here's what I say, 'Golden Hair, Golden Hair eyes so blue, come here girl I want to make sweet love to you.'"So the next day Dan comes in and he has a black eye and bruises all over him. Joe says, "What happened to you?"Dan says, "I took your advice and she beat the shit out of me!"Joe asks, "Well what did you say to her?"Dan says, "Nappy hair, nappy hair, eyes like a frog, come here girl I'm going to fuck you like a dog!"
A bank loan
There was a loan officer at a bank named Patty Mack. Patty Mack was an excellent loan officer; she had spent 15 years there with a sterling record. One Tuesday morning, Patty is sitting at her desk when a frog hops into the bank. The frog hops up to Miss Mack's desk, introduces himself as Mr. Frog, and asks if she can help him with a loan. Miss Mack doesn't bat an eye, asks Mr. Frog to sit down and asks him how much money he would like to get his loan for.Mr Frog says confidently, "I need $25,000 to get my business off the ground.""Alright Mr. Frog, that shouldn't be a problem", Patty responded ", do you have a line of credit with us or an open account?""Unfortunately, I have neither", he croaked."Well don't worry too much Mr. Frog, if you have any valuable collateral we should still be able to provide you your loan. Do you own a house or property you would be willing to put up?"The frog sat and thought for a few seconds before responding, "I do not have any property or a house, but I do own something that would surely work! I'll return shortly ma'am!" With that, the frog quickly hopped out of the bank.Less than 20 minutes later, the frog had returned with a small sack. He hopped up to Miss Patty's desk and confidently pulled out a wind-up mouse toy. Without a word, he wound the toy up and the little plastic mouse scooted across the desk and fell in the floor. Patty was unsure of what to make of this, was the frog making a joke? Unsure of his motives and unwilling to insult a customer, Miss Mack tells the frog she will need to call the president of the bank over to make a decision."Is that really necessary?!" exclaimed the frog, "This should be more than enough collateral!""I'm sorry Mr. Frog, but I cannot approve a loan with such an... unconventional offer."A few moments later, the president of the bank walks up and introduces himself. He asks for a demonstration and quietly observes the frog once again wind up the toy, letting it putter off the side of Miss Mack's desk.The bank president stood there for what seemed like a lifetime, holding the toy mouse in his hand and examining it carefully. He finally hands the toy mouse to Miss Mack, turns his back, and says "It's a nicknack, Patty Mack; give the frog a loan!"
Just in time for the hollidays
It's around Thanksgiving time. On a cold fall night in- oh sorry. This is the Jokes thread... I'll just cut right to it, then!A young kid one night walks in on his parents fighting."You bitch!" says the dad"You bastard!" says the mom"What's a bitch and a bastard?" The young lad asks.Changing from their enraged state, the mother smiles at her son and replies, "It's uh... just another name for a boy and a girl, son. Go back to bed."In the middle of the night and finding himself thirsty as most young children do, the young boy gets out of bed to get some water. On his way back he hears through his parent's door, "Stick your dick into my pussy!"Curious about these new words he walks in and asks, "What's a dick and a pussy?"The mother frantically fumbles for an answer while dad on the fly replies, "Another name for a coat and a hat, son. Now back to bed with ye!"The next day, our curious chap was wondering about the house walked by his mother preparing the Thanksgiving feast."Fuck!" She said after cutting herself slightly with the knife."What does fuck mean?" the boy asked.Wide eyed, mom quickly replied, "It means's carving, son. As you see I'm carving and so... yeah just another word for carving. Go wash up for dinner."As the boy was washing his hands in one sink dad was making productive use of the other."Shit!" he exclaimed, cutting himslef with the razor.Again our curious little lad asked, "What does shit mean?"Without skipping a beat, he simply replied, "Shaving, son."The doorbell then rang."I'll get it!" the boy said running out of the restroom to towards the front door.Upon opening it, he was greeted by all his relatives."Hey all you bitces and bastards! Let me take your dicks and pussies and put them on the coat rack! Dad's up in the bathroom shitting, while mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"
Two running ants
Two ants were running along the top of a cardboard box as fast as they could."Hey!" puffed one ant, "Why are we running so fast?" "Can't you read?" replied the other, "It says tear along the dotted line!"
A man walks into a bar...
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then discovers he has to go to the bathroom. To stop anyone stealing his drink he puts a note on it saying, ‘I spat in this beer.’ When he returns he finds another note saying, ‘So did I!’
Not a joke, but a funny poem
One fine day, in the middle of the night, Two dead men got up to fight, A blind man came to see fair play, A mute man came to shout "Horay!" Back to back, they faced eachother, Drew their swords and shot eachother.
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